I Can’t Remember Developmental Milestones, but I Do Know This

Written by Emily

My brother and his wife just had a baby. A beautiful, perfect boy. My sister-in-law has asked me about developmental milestones. She’s wondered about how I handled this thing or that thing and “do you think that’s normal?” I want to be a reference. I want to have answers for her questions, but when my kids ate bananas for the first time escapes me. I can’t recall how many poops they had on a daily basis. I just don’t remember how often I nursed (a bazillion times a day) or for how long (3 hours at a time). I’m so ashamed.

But there are things I remember, a few things that might help her or my brother or the rest of my family and friends who are having babies and taunting my ovaries. So here goes.


I know this:

*Your water is not your own. Your little one will splash in it, blow bubbles in it and “drink” it. In my experience, if you close your eyes, you can’t even taste the floaters.

*You’ll wear white jeans or light-colored jeans because they’re all the rage for spring and summer, and you are still the fashionista you were before you had kids, dammit. And when your thighs are covered in black dirt from the soles of the little ones you’ve been carrying around all day, you’ll think twice about white denim. Dammit.

*Dads, you’ll forget about the painted toenails until you’re in the locker room at the gym, surrounded by a room full of burly men in various states of undress. It’s ok.

*Sleep will come. Or so I’m told.

*That little one will drink the bath water. And then you’ll find the Twix floater. And then you’ll pray. Children bring us closer to God.

*Your cherub will practice his the new “clean-up” song on a city street or in the subway station. And then he’ll kiss the garbage can because “kissing is nice.”

*At some point your child will point to a dress and say, “Mommy, that’s too tiny for you” or “Do you have a baby in your belly?” And you’ll want to cry, but you won’t because you know everything rides on how you react in this very moment. Everything. Later, you’ll buy the first fitness DVDs from the first infomercial you see.

*Suddenly, you find yourself dangling a snack in front of your babe and whistling or clicking to get her out the door, which you discover is the same thing you do with your dog. So what? You love your dog.

*There will be a moment when you feel like you’re in control again and then you’ll get pregnant. Or there will be a moment when you think you may never be yourself again and then you’ll get pregnant. Or you’ll sell all of your baby things in a community yard sale, so you can start a college fund for junior, and then you’ll get pregnant. Moral of the story: Don’t let your guard down for a second.

*Your child will have nothing to say until you step into a public restroom, and she notices pubic hair, a tampon, your period or the consistency of your poop. Cue in-depth analysis and loud commentary.

And, yes, I think that’s normal. At least, I hope.

Categories: Emily, Family

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12 replies

  1. Every single one of those things has happened to me courtesy of my daughter, save for the getting pregnant part!

    Brilliant read 🙂

  2. Oh my goodness. I remember when I had Mr. T, my cousin came over, and she had one a year old – and I remember she grabbed her water to take a drink and I was horrified “Wendi, there is a goldfish floating in there!” She just laughed at me.
    A year later, I understood.

  3. Haha! So incredibly true. 🙂 I often tell my kids to “heel” (a command we use for our dog). And you know what? It works! 😉

  4. LOVE these!! All totally true!! Especially the ‘don’t let your guard down’ – you could find yourself with a Sr. in high school and pregnant with baby #4! Paying for college and buying diapers all in the same year = strange. But in a good way; once you are over the complete shock! LOL 😉

    PS – I haven’t had the nerve to wear white since oldest was born in 1992.

  5. I’m thankful no one asks me anymore about the “baby milestones” – because each child is an adventure of their own, they all did things differently at different times – so lots of that stuff is pretty unimportant a few months later when they are into another milestone on their own timeline.
    Love to read your views on life – they make me laugh & remember we mothers have so much in common!!!

  6. I am totally cracking up about the pubic hair/tampon observations in the bathroom. I was just in a public restroom with my toddler and she loudly announced, “Mommy, you have a penis?” Doh. This was perfect, Emily. 🙂

  7. OMG Hilarious. I just went to an egg hunt, and one of the dad’s noticed each of my ring fingers was painted turquoise with sparkles — the rest unpainted. They were just little surprise easter eggs courtesy of my daughter and the easter bunny. Then the person who remarked told me the toe nail gym story: a burly man of course. LOL


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