A Buzzfeed Quiz Told Me So and Other Signs I’m Getting Old

Written by Emily


It hit me while I was thoroughly enjoying Ladies’ Home Journal. Every other page was an advertisement for hormone replacements and overactive bladder medication. The magazine that’s stacked with Reader’s Digests and Good Housekeeping in nursing homes and gynecologists’ offices is my magazine of choice these days. Aside from the pimple on my forehead that hearkens back to my training bra days, I’m aging at warp speed. I grabbed a Werther’s Original from the pocket of my housecoat and thought about all the signs pointing me in the direction of an AARP card sooner than I imagined.

A Buzzfeed Quiz told me so.

I fell victim to Facebook peer pressure and took a quiz to confirm that my children are lucky to have me as their hip-to-death mother. When my quiz results revealed I am a “prematurely old parent”, I intended to go on an ironic t-shirts shopping spree and put sky-diving on my bucket list, but I got distracted by a Golden Girls marathon. Who writes these quizzes anyway?

I can Tell You the Last Time I was Carded

I can tell you the last time I was carded because I fist pumped the air and said, “Yeeesssss!” when the clerk asked to see my license. Twenty-three year olds don’t do that.  They don’t attempt to pop-n-lock as they put their I.D. back into their wallets either. Also, I was buying wine from a mall kiosk.

I have to do Kegels

I’ve always exercised to maintain my sanity. I’ve always exercised so my midsection doesn’t spill over the top of my pants like a squeezed Gogurt. Now I have to exercise the land down under, so I won’t find myself in a new diaper aisle after my toddler is finally potty-trained. On the bright side, if I do as my OB suggests and squeeze every time I wait, my lady parts will have the equivalent of a six-pack by the time my daughter finds her shoe.

I Side with the Rents

As in the parents. After I hid behind my grocery cart to flip through the pages of a Cosmo magazine, I threw-up in my mouth a little and immediately used hand sanitizer because I felt dirty. I was compelled to use my teacher voice and sternly tell the models to wear more clothes and insist that “anonymous” never ever do that thing in the car with all those people ever again. And, OMG, do people really talk like that?

“Comfort Wins” is my new Mantra

Eileen Fisher clothes appeal to me more and more everyday, but I’m unwilling to pay roughly the same as three college credits for a sweater. I’ll settle for jeans with some stretch, shoes that don’t make me walk like a newborn deer and a totally cool cardigan.

“Low-Rise is for Squares” is also my Mantra

I’m not on board with the four-inch zipper, but let’s compromise somewhere between three inches of crack saluting the mommy-n-me class instructor when I bend over and a waist band that grazes my nipples.

I say things like, “When I was a kid…”

or “If I would have talked to my parents like that…” and “When I was your age…”

I’m 34.

If you need me, I’ll be trying anti-wrinkle creams at the cosmetic counter.

Categories: Culture, Emily, Family

Tags: , , , , , ,

11 replies

  1. I laughed right out loud through this whole post! You definitely have a way with words!

    • Thanks! I’m glad you laughed 🙂 I have to admit that my favorite image is the one about a six-pack in my nether regions. Don’t really picture it! Also, let’s go an Eileen Fisher shopping spree 🙂

  2. Love it! Only I just turned 50 so this tongue-in-cheek post is actually true for me! *gasp, cough* 😉

  3. Funny! Funny! Funny! I love to read your thoughts! Amazing how kids turn change you into somebody different than when you started out – our focus shifts to “preparing them for life” and makes us look at the world in whole different ways than we used to ( >:)

  4. I just imagined the pop-n-lock part… I prefer the moonwalk whenever this happens to me. Thanks for the laugh!

  5. I totally hate that most of these were tongue-in-cheek for you! Cause THEY ARE MY REALITY!!!
    I’m not kidding, the other day I pulled out the deep wrinkle repair cream crap that has been sitting in my drawer since I was probably your age and thought I needed it… NOW I ACTUALLY DO!!

    • KATE! I am telling you…these are real for me, too! I have to laugh at myself because I am 34 years old. But all of these are so very true. You crack me up!!!

      • 🙂 I found it super funny! And, I’m only 39, but the other day the skin on my face was actually dry.. dry! That never happens! I freaked because I realized that my good looks might actually start to fade!
        Currently there are two different moisturizer bottles on the counter as my reminder to use them multiple times a day. It could just be the weather, or I could actually be getting older! Gasp!

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