Non-Candy Valentines for Lazy Lovers

Written by Emily

There is a major trend sweeping Pinterest: non-candy holiday treats. While this may seem like a real drag to kids on the receiving end of a toothbrush or celery, this is a major opportunity for significant others who somehow overlooked the candy aisle at Target or the heart-shaped donuts at Dunkin’ Donuts or the sudden explosion of Russell Stover Candy boxes.

To help these lazy lovers, I’ve compiled a handy list of household items with flashy sentiments for the tags (or post-its because let’s face it, these are desperate times).



“Let nothing come between us, my sweet!” You won’t need the floss after you lose a few pearly whites when you’re punched squarely in the jaw for forgetting this special Hallmark holiday.


“You ‘shaved’ my life, my love.” This is risky because it could very well be a weapon. It’s best to play up the value of your life throughout the course of the evening.


“Valentine, I’m so into you.” There really isn’t much else to say other than show you care by offering your boo a drink when he/she gags.


“Life would stink without you, Valentine.” Remove any hair or debris from the top of the stick. It is Valentine’s Day.


“Let’s Spoon.” Let’s be real; this is really optimistic at this point, but it’s never a bad thing to show you’re a glass half full kind of person…except when you forgot a real gift.


“Valentine, I’d fall apart without you.” Play up your desperation. Nothing is more attractive. Nothing.

Paper Clip.

“Sweetheart, you keep me together.” See above.

Light Bulb.

“You brighten even my darkest days, Valentine.” Maybe keep all the lights on. It goes with this theme, and you’ll be less likely to miss any sleight of hand with the razor you included in the special V-Day care package.


“Dear, I wouldn’t ‘change’ a thing about you.” Just grab the one over there on the floor or even the one attached to a gum remnant in your pocket. Don’t over-reach and give a roll of quarters. You’ll need cab money when you’re kicked to the curb.


“I know I’ve been self-absorbed lately.” Own it and hope for the best.

Now imagine all of these things in a lovely tin can with a pretty duct tape bow–very industrial chic. Good luck, lovers. It’s sure to be a memorable Valentine’s Day for everyone. XOXOXOXOXO

Categories: Culture, Emily

Tags: , , ,

7 replies

  1. I’m still glad, and I’m sure the kids are, too, that I sent candy! Happy VD!

  2. Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope it’s happy, no matter what it brings!

  3. Happy Valentine’s! I love “I’m so into you”…lol!

  4. Dude, seriously, I can’t even comment because now I have to run to the bathroom to pee before I wet myself!!
    I love you Emily!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: