Scroll if You Hate Children

Written by Emily

I have a confession. Not long ago, I scrolled passed a picture of Jesus on Facebook. I did not like it. I did not comment on it. I did not share it. (insert pause for dramatic effect)

I know. I know. I’m riddled with guilt. Apparently by scrolling past this image I was saying that I prefer the devil. And I do NOT prefer the devil at all! I can only hope years of Sunday school and religious education, and a total of 34+ years of living my faith (give or take some lapses in judgement) can correct this grave social media error.

And then as if I hadn’t learned from my mistake, I totally dismissed: “Share if you love your nephew.” I think what followed was suffer a million bee stings at once if you scroll.

I had no idea Facebook had such ominous insight: how my life would end and where I’d spend the ever-after.

Night after night laying awake repenting my impetuous scrolls and fearing my imminent demise by bee stings, it dawned on me that I need to capitalize on the guilt and fear these rascally meme creators generate to shamelessly get “likes” or followers. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?

I’m thinking something along these lines might work. But this is just my brainstorming sesh.


Does this seem awful enough? Millions of rubber bands clogging my air ways?


I think there are several of these racist threats circulating, but it’s pretty genius. No one who is racist wants to admit it, and if you’re not, then you’re definitely not going to scroll. Score!


As if there such a thing as a lethal amount of coffee. That one will never work.


Too heavy handed with the Satan reference? Or just enough?


Do I sound too desperate or just desperate enough? Do I need to be cuter? More dire?

Or maybe we could stop all these slimy ways to get attention. Perhaps we should return to the innocent days when FB was a forum to share what we had for breakfast, add pics that create the illusion of the life we wish we had and post Fourtuitous links, I mean evidence that we read. Enough with the guilt. Perhaps something like this would do it:


Like= you’re all for it. Share if…oh never mind.

Categories: Culture, Emily

Tags: , , , ,

12 replies

  1. I’m with you! I could name others but the pc police might be reading!

  2. Love it.. I scroll past everything that wants to make me feel guilty about something stupid; I have enough self inflicted guilt. Ha!

  3. I don’t even know where to start… apparently I love the devil and racism, hate children, kittens, my husband, my nephews, and I certainly wish I could die of an IV induced coffee overdose.

    I scroll past everything, but have moved past the guilt and into feelings of superiority over people who succumb to such obvious peer pressure and perpetuate the sham that liking FB memes somehow has real meaning.

  4. Lol, I felt guilt at first, but then I decided to feel superior to everyone when I remembered the whole Jesus said “do not test me” verse. I decided that I’m showing my love but not testing him with FB memes! 🙂
    Oh yeah, that’s how I roll!
    I loved your memes, btw, they were totally spot on!

  5. love!!!! when will you send my coffee gift card? 😉

  6. I have been lying awake at night riddled with EXACTLY THE SAME kind of guilt. I think I will use the racist one. It *is* genius.

  7. I did not think the Satan reference was too heavy handed (that was my favorite). And FWIW I never share anything that asks to be shared (I’ve been told I have a problem with authority), or click anything that tells me I won’t believe what happens next or predicts how I’m going to feel (I have to keep believing that I’m an enigma). But I have posted many links (so hopefully my friends know I read). I hope you have better luck than I’ve had:

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