Dear Kate, Your Birth Story Totally Wins


Dear Kate,

May I call you Kate? I know you read Fourtuitous regularly, so I wanted to take a moment to congratulate you on your new little one. I can’t imagine what the delivery room was like for you. I did have a few interns in the room, but the paparazzi stayed away. So your birth story totally wins…and that’s important. You should know that, now. Moms use birth stories to one-up each other. Everyone wants their story to be the easiest or the hardest or the most beautiful or terrifying. You’ve so got this.

The whole world watching and waiting, the queen holding her breath, the very real fear that a picture of your vagina could find its way on every tabloid lining every grocery store across America, Great Britain and beyond, you win. I worried about pooping upon delivery, but I did not worry about anyone except the doc and a few nurses knowing if I did. You trump me.

Okay, and there’s the queen. I’m sure the pressure of her presence was almost too much to bear. She probably didn’t peer between your legs during a particularly horrific contraction and whisper, “You’re doing it wrong” like my mom did, but whatever.

I do wonder if your Duke husband compared your “down-theres” to an open chicken carcass. No? I’ll give you this one anyway. The expectation to have grace under intense pressure must have been excruciating. Having to keep calm and carry on and all that, yikes! I mean, I haven’t heard the details yet, but I’d be willing to wager that no one held up a piece of flesh from your nether regions and asked with complete seriousness, “where does this go?” I doubt they had to call in a surgeon to make your lady parts look like lady parts and not like something out of a horror film. But honestly, you win.

Really. Can you just stop already? I get it. It’s no contest. No, I didn’t have to make sure my make-up was just right. I didn’t have to push in a “royal” way. But did you turn to the nurse and say, “Oh great. I’m pooping. I can’t help it. I am. I’m pooping”? To which she responded, “No, honey, that’s the baby.” Oh, you’re too refined for that. I bet you’re too refined for your nurse to suggest nipple stimulation to get your contractions going then, huh? Oh, well, you’d never admit it.

Just give it a rest, will you? I said, you win.



P.S. I’m in a really great mom’s group if you’re interested.

Categories: Emily

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19 replies

  1. Omg, you crack me up!! Awesome! I’ve wondered the same things too. With everyone making a big deal about this royal baby, I’m like,”What’s the big deal, really?!” The baby is a baby. He will cry, fuss and poop like any other child. The parents will have tough nights and days (lol or maybe they have nannies/nurses for that stuff) and will have lots of responsibility like any of us. That being said, she so wins in the end! Lol.

    • Patsy, we could so give her a run for the money with our birth stories though, right 🙂 Ha! Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

      • Lol my birth stories take the cake! Lol actually it’s my “bringing up baby” stories that would beat Out Kate! Love your blogs honestly. You write so well and know just what to say 🙂

  2. OMG! I’m giggling hysterically! She wrote to me…what you didn’t get CC’d?!? : )

  3. I still maintain you were doing it wrong! But you now have three models of perfection! Good luck on that, Kate. You stand no chance!

  4. Emily, this is one of the funniest blog posts EVER!!!

  5. Oh, Kate! Maybe you’ll never admit to peeing when you laugh, pooping during delivery, or cursing the Prince for putting this watermelon inside of you, but things will be different now. We’ll never know the dirty truth, just how you handled the situation with refinement and ease. Like, all of sudden you’ve become an expert on child birthing. Hitting the shelves soon in a town near you, “How to Deliver a Prince: The Memoir of Kate Middleton.” Your right Emily, she totally does win.

  6. Emily, As always you entertain with your witty truth! Love it!

  7. Greatness! That was too funny! I saw on FB yesterday “I thought we fought for independence so we wouldn’t have to care about the royal baby”. 🙂

  8. I loved this! Laughed out loud! But honestly, I figured new moms trade birth stories to bond, not one-up. Since you shared your’s, here’s mine. Kate still wins though. For sure.

    • Thanks for stopping by, Norine! Are you trying to one-up me with your birth post 😉 I’m kidding, of course. Thank you for sharing it! It’s absolutely how we bond for sure. There’s nothing like sharing a bit about our lady parts or pain tolerance to form a mom alliance.

  9. “Open chicken carcass.” Wow. That’s one I hadn’t heard yet!

  10. Hahahahaaa! Your pooping comment had me snort out loud! So funny!!!

  11. The royals do seem to win at everything. Hm…I wonder if there’s some cheating going on. 😉

    Sorry I’m late stopping by from the Humor Me! Blog Hop.

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