Yoga Pant Pinot, Uh-Oh Merlot and Other Wine for Moms

Written by Emily

You may have heard that wine manufacturers are targeting moms. Why wouldn’t they? Being a mom is no easy task, and sometimes relaxation is expedited with a touch of the grape. No judgement here.

MommyJuice and Mommy’s Time Out are on the right track. But their marketing is not quite aggressive enough. I’m no wine connoisseur, so I’d like vintners to lay it out for me. I can’t detect the oakiness or tannins. A hint of leather? Is that a good thing? Talk to me, a mom who can’t  smell anything other than wine when a waiter at a she-she restaurant tips the glass in her direction. I blame years’ worth of bottoms I’ve pressed against my face to detect poop. My olfactory sense is singed (although there is a barnyard descriptor for wines. And you guessed it…poo undertones! But I digress.)

Food pairings? Nah. It hardly matters. We’re talking tired mom, here. Dinner has been cooked, spit out, slurped and put away. The only thing I drank was tepid water. The dishwasher is running. Speak my language:

Yoga Pant Pinot:


You’ve seen Little Black Dress Wines? Adorable. Great idea, but you haven’t worn an LBD in too long to remember. Yoga pants? Yes. Black ones? Just today, actually. This wine pairs beautifully with over-stretched lycra, your go-to black stretch pants that can be jammies, exercise gear and (because you’ve convinced yourself ) “running-errand” pants. If you’ve had to scrape baby goo from your person, if your pant legs were tugged by little fingers, if the knees are worn from crawling on the floor playing lion or monster, this wine is for you. It’s best paired with exhaustion as it brings about its full body.

Uh-Oh Merlot:


This wine is a perfect match for a day of missteps. Late for pick-up? Uh-Oh Merlot! Thought show-and-tell was tomorrow? Sit down with a glass. And pour another if you’ve spent the afternoon cleaning permanent marker from the coffee table or researching how to get nail polish out of the carpet. Your toddler pooped in the bathtub again? Yes! Your son power washed the bathroom with urine? Yes! It’s best consumed by hands raw and chapped from cleaning products.

Don’t Play Chardonnay:


Pairs best with bad playdates. You know, the ones with the biters and parents who speak in a strange parentease instead of English. Or the play dates where your child comes home with wild eyes and a crazed expression. Or the ones where the host doesn’t speak to you but eats all of the cookies you brought. Or even the one where your children come home with a stomach virus. Don’t Play Chardonnay.

Rotavirus Reisling:


Let’s not split hairs. This varietal accompanies viruses and bacterias of all kinds…but only the ones you’ve been cleaning up all day and night. You’ve been up and down the stairs with cleaning products, broth, tea and toast so much you’re certain this counts as exercise for the week. You’ve forgotten how to prepare anything but the BRAT diet. It’s your husband who’s sick? Have two…bottles.

Huzzah Shiraz:


Your toddler is officially potty trained, pair with Shiraz. The day went off without a hitch–3 or fewer tantrums! Grocery run without tears! Pinterest craft promise came true–the kids loved it! You won Battleship, and your boy said, “Good game, Mommy.” The children hugged spontaneously. You exercised and didn’t eat all of the children’s snacks. Huzzah!

Oh, I get it, now. I’m going to hope for Huzzah Shiraz, but I’ll have Pinot and Merlot on hand. Happy Friday!

Categories: Emily

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15 replies

  1. I’m not big on wines, I would surely have poured many glassses of any of these wines when my kids were smaller!

  2. This is perfect for me today, since I forgot the activity bus doesn’t run on Fridays… Ughhh! And…”a hint of leather?”…I can’t stop laughing!!!

  3. I’ve heard of these moms who “wine”! I was all about tea! That can be next week’s post. Maybe a pairing of wine and VS panties(your versions)!

  4. This made me smile after a rough night with my sick toddler. Keep the humor coming! We moms need it!

  5. Just recently became a fan of your site. Love reading your postings. Ahhhh…the memories!! 🙂

  6. Beth Griffiths! Welcome! So glad you found us, you being a wine expert! Hope all is well with your family.

  7. Emily – your posts always make me laugh out loud. No easy feat. Thank you for lightening up my Friday!

  8. Dave, “touch of the grape” is my shout out to you! Let’s toast again, soon!

  9. You know when you get really jealous of another writer because she writes something awesome and you wonder why you didn’t think of the idea first, and even if you had it would not have been as funny as the way she did it?

    Yeah, I’m jealous.

    Nice job.


  10. Hi! I really enjoy reading your blog and I nominated you for a Liebster Award. Here is my blog post with the info!
    Have a wonderful weekend!

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