Written by Emily
You may have heard that wine manufacturers are targeting moms. Why wouldn’t they? Being a mom is no easy task, and sometimes relaxation is expedited with a touch of the grape. No judgement here.
MommyJuice and Mommy’s Time Out are on the right track. But their marketing is not quite aggressive enough. I’m no wine connoisseur, so I’d like vintners to lay it out for me. I can’t detect the oakiness or tannins. A hint of leather? Is that a good thing? Talk to me, a mom who can’t smell anything other than wine when a waiter at a she-she restaurant tips the glass in her direction. I blame years’ worth of bottoms I’ve pressed against my face to detect poop. My olfactory sense is singed (although there is a barnyard descriptor for wines. And you guessed it…poo undertones! But I digress.)
Food pairings? Nah. It hardly matters. We’re talking tired mom, here. Dinner has been cooked, spit out, slurped and put away. The only thing I drank was tepid water. The dishwasher is running. Speak my language:
Yoga Pant Pinot:
You’ve seen Little Black Dress Wines? Adorable. Great idea, but you haven’t worn an LBD in too long to remember. Yoga pants? Yes. Black ones? Just today, actually. This wine pairs beautifully with over-stretched lycra, your go-to black stretch pants that can be jammies, exercise gear and (because you’ve convinced yourself ) “running-errand” pants. If you’ve had to scrape baby goo from your person, if your pant legs were tugged by little fingers, if the knees are worn from crawling on the floor playing lion or monster, this wine is for you. It’s best paired with exhaustion as it brings about its full body.
This wine is a perfect match for a day of missteps. Late for pick-up? Uh-Oh Merlot! Thought show-and-tell was tomorrow? Sit down with a glass. And pour another if you’ve spent the afternoon cleaning permanent marker from the coffee table or researching how to get nail polish out of the carpet. Your toddler pooped in the bathtub again? Yes! Your son power washed the bathroom with urine? Yes! It’s best consumed by hands raw and chapped from cleaning products.
Don’t Play Chardonnay:
Pairs best with bad playdates. You know, the ones with the biters and parents who speak in a strange parentease instead of English. Or the play dates where your child comes home with wild eyes and a crazed expression. Or the ones where the host doesn’t speak to you but eats all of the cookies you brought. Or even the one where your children come home with a stomach virus. Don’t Play Chardonnay.
Let’s not split hairs. This varietal accompanies viruses and bacterias of all kinds…but only the ones you’ve been cleaning up all day and night. You’ve been up and down the stairs with cleaning products, broth, tea and toast so much you’re certain this counts as exercise for the week. You’ve forgotten how to prepare anything but the BRAT diet. It’s your husband who’s sick? Have two…bottles.
Your toddler is officially potty trained, pair with Shiraz. The day went off without a hitch–3 or fewer tantrums! Grocery run without tears! Pinterest craft promise came true–the kids loved it! You won Battleship, and your boy said, “Good game, Mommy.” The children hugged spontaneously. You exercised and didn’t eat all of the children’s snacks. Huzzah!
Oh, I get it, now. I’m going to hope for Huzzah Shiraz, but I’ll have Pinot and Merlot on hand. Happy Friday!